


Is it worth it?

by Snowfire (Snowdream)



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:54:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21991759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowdream/pseuds/Snowfire
Summary: Snowfire doesn't feel like it's worth it.Warning:Suicidal Thoughts
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Suicidal Thoughts

Upgrading in Protihex was amazing, Carrier and Sire had enough credits for them to live by. He never really knew how bad off they were until he became a youngling. Never knew they were one catastrophe away from being poor and on the streets. 

Their house was small four berthroom house, one room for the symbionts, Sire and Carrier’s room, his room and the other was for Carrier’s workspace. Carrier worked two jobs, one at the temple and one as communications for some mech in Tarn. Sire worked as an Enforcer and he was rarely home when he was online during the orn. His brother SIlverWing went off to an academy in Iacon while he stayed and went to one closer. 

SilverWing was always smarter than he and ended up getting a scholarship and reduced tuition to the academy. He wasn’t so lucky. He barely made it through the academy, learning he couldn’t be what he wanted to be when he grew up. Mechs say you can be whatever you want to be, they lie. They don’t know you, don’t know that you can’t do whatever you set your processor to. They don’t know how your creators are barely making enough credits to get Energon cubes. They haven’t gone on a vacation since they were little. He misses those trips, but sometime he doesn’t miss those trips. 

As he got older his creators fought more and more, at least that’s what he thought. The arguments started on those trips, then when SilverWing moved away with Foxtail to Iacon and he was left to live with creators. He couldn’t move out, he couldn’t get a job as an Enforecer like his second sparklinghood dream. He failed the physical test. That’s nice. He ended up getting a deadbeat job as a server at a local catering place then went to be an Energon preparer there. He makes just a little more than minimum wage. The Senate and Council were talking about raising the minimum wage, that would be one and a half times what he’s making nor but the mechs can’t stop squabbling over stupid, idiotic things. To him, politicians are nothing more than sparklings on a playground and fighting over who goes down the slide first or who gets to use the swing set first. 

Mechs are stupid. He’s learning that. Learning that mechs don’t care about anything more than themselves and what makes them come out on top. It infects online games, it infects everything. It’s all gimmie gimme gimme to them. He’s come to the conclusion that no mech, even if they say it, really cares about you. Once they leave your company they probably forget about you. 

He’s not built that way. He’s a glitch. He cares too much about mechs. Cares too much that he only feels pain if they says something bad about him. He’s heard his coworkers, the mechs who say they care about him, talk behind his back. Say things like he doesn’t know how to do the job. He’s had to forget about it, well bury it while he works alongside them for that shift. He’s gotten to where he doesn’t really care about anything anymore. At least in the big picture. 

He has stuff at home, more than his room can hold and it’s piled up. He works and that’s his credits right? He should be able to use them. Sire retires from the Enforcers, he’s home all the time now. He’s still getting credits from his job. Must be nice to sit on your aft at home and still get credits. He’s tired, he’s sore. Every strut in his frame hurts when he gets off work. 

Sire’s told him he has too much stuff. Great. Okay, well. He should get rid of some stuff. He tries to go through it all, his frame aches. He wants to deactivate. Guess not this orn, becomes an every orn thing. He should just drag all that stuff out of their house. Bet Sire would be happy about that. Get rid of everything of his. He doesn’t need anything. Doesn’t need to keep any of his old toys for his future creations. Because, let’s get real, he’s not going to find anyone to love. His perfect mech that he would want to bond with would still have his seal, a mech who would have saved himself for him just like he’s saved himself for them. But, seriously, he’s getting older, mechs aren’t going to still have their seals this old. 

No, he’s probably going to find a mech who he fears. A mech who has had partners before, the reason he wanted a sealed mech to avoid this, who hasn’t found the ”right” one. He’ll end up being another valve on mech’s data-pad. He’ll get hurt in the spark, he’ll find out he’s not the right one for many mechs. He’ll be used and broken. He might as well have been just a pleasure bot and ended up getting paid for being a valve instead of a mech. 

He comes home late some orn, his frame hurts. He doesn’t feel like doing anything, he shouldn’t even have all this stuff if he’s not going to do anything with it. He picks up a few data-pad novels, he once wanted to be a writer. Someone who could explore planets and ideas. Someone who could create worlds. Someone who could have fun with what they were doing. He’s never going to have time to read these novels. He might as well get rid of them. 

Allspark orn, an orn of giving, it’s just a decaorn away and he doesn’t have presents for creators. Sire is so hard to get for. Sire asks him what he wants. He wants to laugh. To laugh uncontrollably in the mech’s faceplate. The mech who says he has too much stuff wants to know what stuff he wants. 

He finds out that the catering place doesn’t have work for him the next two decaorns. Great his academy loans are going to come due. Guess what his Allspark present is. Sire gives him the credits, SilverWing got a new gaming system. Creators spend the same amount of credits on them. 

He’s a disappointment to creators. He knows this. It’s his entire existence. He’s the glitch. A mech that they put up with because he’s their creation. They would be better off without him. Everyone would be better off without him. The planet doesn’t need him. It will continue to rotate, revolve around the host star without him. He’s a nomech. No one cares about him. He’s tired all the fragging time now. He doesn’t want to do anything. He’d be much better off gone. The sweet nothingness of deactivation sounds so welcoming. 

Carrier’s temple wouldn’t like if he deactivated himself. They look down on mechs like that. The glitches of society. The mech’s who can’t function in the world. A world that is getting more crazy by the orn. Shootings have started. Shootings at programmings, at academies, at workplaces. Cybertronians are going to make themselves go extinct if they keep deactivating themselves. 

Sire’s complaining all the time now. Complaining about this and that, and those things and everything. If its able to be talked about he’s complaining about that. He wants peace and quiet. But he loves his creators. He wants to move away. But he doesn’t have the credits and knows if he does he’s not going to last long. He’s stuck. This is his punishment for being a glitch. Who could ever love a glitch?

He doesn’t make friends. Never really have. He’s friendly with mechs he’s around every orn. Once they’re out of his life though he falls out of contact with them. He’s glitched. That’s all there is. He’s the glitched one and everyone else is the normal one. There’s nothing wrong with everyone else. His processor is the broken one. His spark is stupid. 

Something’s wrong with the house, something that Sire says should have been the city-states fault. Yes everything is everyone else’s fault. He doesn’t care. His spark is only pulsing because Carrier would be hurt in the temple status for him deactivating himself. He can forge on. Let the stuff roll off his shoulders. Well, stab his spark, make him cry then numb him for a bit. He wants to be a cyberflutter, to stay in a cocoon forever. Stay in stasis until every mech is gone and he’s all alone in silence. Wouldn’t that be nice? 

He’s crying every orn now. He thought crying was supposed to help. It just makes him more exhausted. Exhausted. Hah, a funny thing. He tells other’s why he’s tired so much, tells them he’s exhausted. Apparently glitched mechs aren’t allowed to be exhausted. Normal mechs don’t get exhausted do they? He doesn’t see them get that way. Doesn’t see them the way he feels. The feeling of just falling over and deactivating. That your spark will just give out because you don’t want to function anymore. There’s a saying no pain no gain, must have been a normal mech saying that. He should have been executed. 

Once his creators join the well, he’s gone. He doesn’t care anymore. He’s done. He’s done living like this. Done feeling like he’s worthless. That he’s just in the way. Done being a slave to time and nothing more than it. The holidays are supposed to be happy times of the vorn. He hates them now. Hates that he’s expected to do all this slag for them. For family reunions. For parties with his coworkers. He wants it all to end. 

He doesn’t want to exist anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

Sire says that owning your own property is too expensive. That you own the land, you have to deal with things. The house getting older, the floors sinking. Great. The house he onlined is is going to be sold. Just because they’re fragging poor. Sire’s way of saying it was that he’s not getting any richer and that he isn’t going to make enough credits for when Carrier and Sire are gone. Thank you for telling him how worthless he is. Like he didn’t already know. 

But that’s how his Sire is. Sire says things. They are supposed to be teachable moments he assumes but it feels like degradation. Sire said before creations aren’t cheap. They should have never had him. Should have only waited until they had SilverWing because SilverWing is perfect. He stays up at dark cycle crying that he’s going to lose the only place he’s ever known as home. Sire and Carrier are normal mechs, they’ve moved many times over the vorns. He’s the glitch who has only ever lived here. The glitch who cares too much about stupid illogical things that normal mechs don’t care about. 

Sires talking about moving to an apartment. But then he doesn’t like how close mechs live there. Then he talks about renting a trailer. But the trailer lots are close together but not as close as apartments. 

He doesn’t want to live that close to other mechs. Sire hadn’t ever wanted to either. As much as Sire changes his fragging processor, he can see them moving then not liking it and wanting to move back. Maybe he’d deactivate himself before that happened. It would be much cheaper for them to live without him. He’s just a burden to them. Just something to steal their credits. Without him they would have more credits to spend on themselves. 

They would be much happier if he never existed. They wouldn’t miss him. He doesn’t contribute to anything. That’s why he’s a burden. Maybe . . .maybe he should just run away. But then he’d still be in pain and suffering. Deactivation would be the only way out for him. But he would be leaving behind his best friend. The Cybercat. They had two of them but one got sick and had to be put down. The same sickness their cyberhound had. He wished both times that he got that sickness. To go through that. To know that Sire and Carrier would have done everything in their power to save him that they couldn’t save the “mechanimals” because they were lesser beings. He doesn’t trust them with the cybercat. Sire has threatened to get rid of the cybercat. Just because the cybercat acts like a cybercat.  
No if he deactivated now, there would be no stopping them from getting rid of his only real friend. One that sometimes likes him sometimes irritates him but who he wholly loves with all his spark. He lives for the cybercat. At least right now. 

What would help is a second job. He can barely live through the first job. But if he wants to stay at his home he needs more credits. He’s tried applying to various other places but they all haven’t responded back or pretty much told him he’s stupid. Like he didn’t already know that. 

He doesn’t want to move. It’s just not fair. He should just delete his emotions. Then he wouldn’t have to feel right? He could do that. Find the code and just delete it. He’d be a zombie. It would take his option for deactivating himself off the board though. 

He might as well sell all his stuff now. Either way it will have to be sold. If he stays online when they move, he’s going to have to not have as much stuff. If he deactivates he might as well try and pay his creators back for all the credits they spent on him to try and make his glitched processor a productive mech in society. Which they obviously failed at because he’s absolutely useless and worthless. Surely they could create another sparkling, one less glitch, one more productive. One more perfect than he could ever dream of. Obviously something went wrong in his creation process. 

Truth be told, he was going to deactivate himself after Carrier and Sire and SilverWing all deactivated. He’d have no hope to function anymore. The last close sparks to him would all be gone. In a sense his whole world would be gone already. But if he’s going to lose the only place he’s called home then part of his world is already breaking off. But of course the saying goes, home is where the spark is, where your family is, where your love is. That mech needed to be executed too. 

He’s sure life on pre-civilized Cybertron was much easier than civilized. There you only had to know how to survive. You could do anything without any laws prohibiting you. Of course he’d probably have already been deactivated but every mech deactivates some time right? That’s just the way of life isn’t it?

Yes. Sire and Carrier would be better off without him. Cotton would not though, they’d probably get rid of him. He couldn’t bear to harm Cotton. His only friend. If only he wasn’t so stupid. He could be anything. Do anything. Be everything maybe. 

SilverWing is doing well off. Something was right in his creation process. He and Foxtail are happy in Iacon. Carrier is sad that he lives so far away. He always thought Carrier loved SilverWing more than him. 

With him gone, Sire and Carrier could move to Iacon and be closer to SilverWing. They could be a happy little family. So perfect. So normal. Without the glitch. 

Cotton doesn’t like cuddling like normal cybercats. Sometimes he wants cuddles but most of the time not. They’re two glitches. One and the same. No wonder they work well together. He doesn’t like cuddles. Doesn’t like anyone touching him, or fields brushing his. 

Why in the pit would Sire ever think that moving to a trailer lot would be a good idea? Yes, there will probably be problems here, but wouldn’t you want to live without being so close to mechs if you hated living so close to mechs. But Sire is Sire. He’s supposed to know what the frag he’s doing. 

He used to fantasize about Knight Charming coming and rescuing him. The young innocent in peril. He thinks back on that mech, that foolish little youngling to think anything like that was real. Nothing in this world is happy. It’s all darkness and hate and despair and worthlessness and pain and suffering. There is not shining knights, no heroes, and no mythological mechanimals. It’s just Cybertronians thinking only of themselves and only thinking about how to make themselves more rich, more famous, more powerful. 

No one cares about the others, the ones who make the planet function, who make the rich rich. Who buys the things the rich mechs make. If all those mechs disappear, Cybertron would go dark and the rich would turn into monsters. Clawing their way to the top of their crystal golden spires. 

Who would even buy the stuff Sire calls junk? Where would he even sell it? Would it even be worth it? 

What is he thinking, no one would buy stuff from a glitch like him. He might as well burn the scrap. Be done with it. 

He used to be so creative, used to draw and write and make things. He doesn’t have the energy or the will to do anything anymore. He was a fool to think he could do anything. He’s just a glitch. A stupid glitch. Worthless stupid glitch. 

There is no hope left in his spark. It has been stamped out. He’s broken. Whatever his life is is the worst kind of torture. He’d gladly welcome torture at this point if it meant he didn’t have to suffer. Torture a mech too much and they eventually deactivate right? That’s what always happened in the holovids. 

He will eventually deactivate, just like all mechs. So why not help it along? Make it easier. Faster. End his suffering. 

Cotton needs him though. Cotton loves him. Cotton would be sad if he left. Cotton waits up and greats him when he gets off work late during the recharge cycle when creators have already gone to recharge. Cotton follows him around like a little shadow. Cotton cuddles with him during recharge cycle. 

He would break Cotton’s spark to leave now. He has to live. Has to survive. Has to dredge on for Cotton. Cotton is his life.


	3. Chapter 3

He keeps learning that nothing he says or does matters to any other mech. He keeps learning that scrap is going to happen whether he wants it to or not. He should just let it happen. No matter what it is, just go numb and let it happen. Sire’s set on moving, claims it’s too far from anything, it’s a waste of time to get anywhere, like into the city. 

He should learn eventually that he should let whatever happen and suck it up. Nothing in this life matters and that things go on with or without him. 

Sire is set on moving and carrier agrees with him, both are looking at other places. Talk of moving closer to SilverWIng come up. He’s glad they’re so convinced that they want to move. He knows that sire complains about everything here, he’s sure Sire will still complain there. Sire always complains about whatever there is. 

He might as well as start packing up his scrap. Either they move, he gets rid of stuff, he just leaves it in nice little boxes stacked up or he deactivates and they just throw it out, it will be out of the way and not in a mess. He might as well get rid of somethings too. 

He used to write stories. Carrier always liked reading them. The Twins like them, Rumble and Frenzy were his biggest fans. He hasn’t felt like writing or drawing or anything in so long. He’s probably not any good at them anymore anyway. He guesses it’s not a loss. His spark just pulses because that’s what sparks do until an outside force makes it stop. 

He doesn’t get very far, just backs up some glassware that he was going to frost before he feels too tired to do anything else. That’s how it is. He starts doing something then partially through, he gets tired and doesn’t want to finish. He guesses moving orn he’s going to have to do it. Or just say he’s leaving it for the trash collector. 

Or he’ll be gone before then. 

He’s so tired all the time now but if he went to recharge every time he didn’t feel like doing something, sire would ask him what’s wrong, or ask him why is he recharging his life away. Sire wouldn’t understand. Sire wouldn’t care. Sire doesn’t know he wants to rip his own spark out just to be in peace. That every pulse of his spark is a painful reminder that he’s a worthless piece of glitched scrap. 

He hates living. Hates it so much. He wishes that he would get sick. Just rust away. Become dust that the wind carries away. He wants to not feel. Not to cry. Not to feel anything. 

Sire and Carrier wasted their time, their credits, their love on him. They could have done so much better with another spark. Primus should just pinch his spark energy out of existence. He doesn’t want to ruin anyone else’s life like he has Sire and Carrier’s. They would have done so much better without him. 

He’s always cold now, at least he always feels cold. Maybe he is slowly deactivating. He used to bundle up. No he’d rather freeze from the inside out. Sire and Carrier always have it warm in the house so he’s not really threatened to freeze. It’s all in his processor. He’s not really cold, he just thinks he’s cold. He can’t produce coldness, right?

He hates refuel time of the orn. He’d rather starve away. Every time he refuels, he’s taking away more credits from sire and carrier. They’re going to need all the credits they can get for their new, perfect life without him. 

He had folders for all his data-sheets that had prompts on them, when he was super exited to write stories. They’re all in a binder now but of course that leaves all those empty folders. He doesn’t know what to do with them. He doesn’t want to throw them out. They still work, just some still has a price sticker on them, others have the remnants of his label he used for their title. Sire would probably either burn them or give them to recycling. He’d rather them go to someone who needs them. Someone who can’t afford them. But he doesn’t know how to get them there. 

He stares at the folders. He’ll probably just tell sire to do whatever with them.


	4. Chapter 4

He hates that his frames only response to anything is crying. He’s a weak soft sparked mech and he hates it. If he’s angry, he cries. If he doesn’t understand something, he cries. If he’s yelled at, he cries. 

He wants to rip out his optics just to stop the ability to cry. Maybe then everything would be better. Right? He can’t see than means he’s invisible, that’s what sparklings believe.

He can’t help but cry when Sire complains about Cotton getting sick again and that the medivet’s bill was over two hundred credits. He’s tempted to ask Sire did the wrong fragging cybercat deactivate for you because apparently anything Cotton does is so fragged up that you love to hate him. Sorry Sire, Cotton isn’t Boots, that cybercat who you apparently loved more. 

He’s tempted to tell Sire that if he hates Cotton so much why don’t he just starve him. Then you don’t have to fraggin’ worry about him He’ll be gone. Then if Silverwing deactivates and Carrier deactivates you can be all alone because he sure as frag won’t stay online for you. 

Stupid fragging optics keep leaking. Why the frag does he have to be so fragging weak. 

Of course his stupid fragged up emotional cortex doesn’t stop there. He found another job, one that pays more credits and seems easier than what he’s doing now. You know since Sire gave him an ultimatum of get a better paying job or they’re moving at the end of the vorn. But now that he’s in the process of being hired, he’s fragged up in a spark twist about it taking so long and all that scrap. That this job isn’t worth this and that when he was a youngling getting hired that it wasn’t like this, you just put in the application and then you have the job. 

Well sorry, Sire. I guess things fragging change forty some vorns. Maybe he should have Sire fill out applications and come with him in the hiring process to find the perfect job for him. You know the job that he should have for the rest of his function because how else the frag is he going to be able to function without sire and carrier helping him function. 

Little do they know his plans. 

He just fragging wants to deactivate right now. Just tired of everything. 

He doesn’t know how he’ll get through having two jobs, even though that this new job is supposed to be part time. So if one part time works with another semi part time he should get a normal paying job out of the two. 

That or deactivate from exhaustion which will be fine by him right now. Maybe then Sire and Carrier would care. 

Probably not.


End file.
